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490. My Dark Vanessa

Rating:  ☆☆☆☆

Recommended by:  Valerie Flores

Author:   Kate Elizabeth Russell

Genre:    Fiction

385  pages, published  March 10, 2020

Reading Format:   Audiobook on Overdrive

Summary

My Dark Vanessa  tells the haunting story of 15 year old Vanessa Wye, a fifteen year old girl, and her long term romantic entanglement with Jacob Strane, her 42 year old English teacher a private boarding school.  Author Kate Elizabeth Russell explores the psychological dynamics of the relationship between a precocious yet naïve teenage girl and her magnetic and manipulative teacher and how Vanessa slowly comes to terms with the true nature of the liason.

Quotes 

“I can’t lose the thing I’ve held onto for so long, you know?” My face twists up from the pain of pushing it out. “I just really need it to be a love story, you know? I really, really need it to be that.” “I know,” she says. “Because if it isn’t a love story, then what is it”? I look to her glassy eyes, her face of wide open empathy. “It’s my life,” I say. “This has been my whole life.”

 

“People will risk everything for a little bit of something beautiful.”

“Because even if I sometimes use the word abuse to describe certain things that were done to me, in someone else’s mouth the word turns ugly and absolute. It swallows up everything that happened.”

 

“Kneeling before me, he lays his head on my lap and says, ‘I’m going to ruin you.”

 

“To be groomed is to be loved and handled like a precious, delicate thing.”

 

“I wonder how much victimhood they’d be willing to grant a girl like me.”

 

“Pathetically in love with you.” As soon as he says this, I become someone somebody else is in love with, and not just some dumb boy my own age but a man who has already lived an entire life, who has done and seen so much and still thinks I’m worthy of his love. I feel forced over a threshold, thrust out of my ordinary life into a place where it’s possible for grown men to be so pathetically in love with me they fall at my feet.”

 

“He wants to make sure he’ll always be there, no matter what. He wants to leave his fingerprints all over me, every piece of muscle and bone.”

 

“I don’t say it, but sometimes I feel like that’s exactly what he’s doing to me—breaking me apart, putting me back together as someone new.”

 

“Strane says I need to contextualize my reluctance to grow up, that everyone my age is drawn to self-victimization. “And that mentality is especially difficult for young women to resist,” he says. “The world has a vested interest in keeping you helpless.” He says as a culture we treat victimhood as an extension of childhood. So when a woman chooses victimhood, she is therefore freed from personal responsibility, which then compels others to take care of her, which is why once a woman chooses victimhood, she will continue to choose it again and again.”

 

“I’m starting to understand that the longer you get away with something, the more reckless you become, until it’s almost as if you want to get caught.”

 

“This, I think, is the cost of telling, even in the guise of fiction. Once you do, it’s the only thing about you anyone will ever care about. It defines you whether you want it to or not.”

 

“Girls in those stories are always victims, and I am not. And it doesn’t have anything to do with what Strane did or didn’t do to me when I was younger. I’m not a victim because I never wanted to be, and If I didn’t want to be, then I’m not. That’s how it works. The difference between rape and sex is state of mind. You can’t rape the willing, right?”

 

“He touched me first, said he wanted to kiss me, told me he loved me. Every first step was taken by him. I don’t feel forced, and I know I have the power to say no, but that isn’t the same as being in charge. But maybe he has to believe that. Maybe there’s a whole list of things he has to believe.”

 

“Somehow I sensed what was coming for me even then. Really, though, what girl doesn’t? It looms over you, that threat of violence. They drill the danger into your head until it starts to feel inevitable. You grow up wondering when it’s finally going to happen.”

 

“The excuses we make for them are outrageous, but they’re nothing compared with the ones we make for ourselves.”

 

“Hide all you want, but the truth will always find you.”

 

My Take

While the Lolitaesq premise of My Dark Vanessa is disturbing on many levels, it is an engrossing, page turner that sucks you into its story.  Author Kate Elizabeth Russell does a masterful job of showing the reader how easily this atrocity could happen and how hard it is of protagonist Vanessa Wye to let go of her idealized version of the past.

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488. Appropos of Nothing

Rating:  ☆☆☆☆

Recommended by:

Author:   Woody Allen

Genre:    Non Fiction, Memoir, Humor

396 pages, published March 23, 2020

Reading Format:   e-Book

Summary

Appropos of Nothing is a memoir by Woody Allen which tells the story of his life, from his childhood in Brooklyn to his work as a writer for the Sid Caesar variety show in the early days of television, to his stand up comedy days to his impressive movie career to his troubles with Mia Farrow.

Quotes 

“Self-obsession, that treacherous time waster.”

 

“Rather than live on in the hearts and mind of the public, I prefer to live on in my apartment.”

 

“In the end this obsession for conformity leads to fascism.”

 

“In retrospect, the red flags existed every few feet, but nature provides us with a denial mechanism, else we couldn’t make it through the days, as Freud teaches us, as Nietzsche teaches us, as O’Neill teaches us, as T. S. Eliot teaches us. Unfortunately, I was never a good student.”

 

“I don’t know what the hell I was thinking; I hated nature, and more than nature I hated being a car owner.”

 

“I just didn’t grasp the finer points and once tipped a process server who knocked on my door and handed me a summons.”

 

“And I definitely do not want to be on one of those first rockets to outer space, to glimpse Earth from afar and experience weightlessness. The truth is, I hate weightlessness; I am a big fan of gravity and hope it lasts.”

 

“Christ, I’m afraid of dogs. And I’m talking about all dogs, including Yorkies. You’ll hate me, but I don’t like pets. Naturally, I don’t like being bitten and I hate being shed on, licked, or barked at. On the evolutionary scale, I always regarded all animals as failed humans. I also don’t like being sung to by a canary or when fish in a tank look back at me.”

 

“Her preference was to go by pistol shot, mine by placing my head in the dishwasher and pressing Full Cycle.”

 

“being a misanthropist has its saving grace—people can never disappoint you.”

 

“If 80 percent of life is showing up, the other 80 percent, as Yogi Berra might’ve said, is chance.”

 

“For better or worse, I sort of live in a bubble. I gave up reading about myself decades ago and have no interest in other people’s appraisal or analysis of my work. This sounds arrogant, but it’s not. I do not consider myself superior or aloof, nor do I have a particularly high opinion of my own product. I was taught by Danny Simon to rely on my own judgment, and I don’t like to waste precious time on what can easily become a distraction. Friends have often encouraged me to at least treat myself to the enjoyment of once in a while reading some respectable person’s high praise and maybe even in extreme cases consider responding when attacked, but I have no desire to do either.”

 

“To a human, the fall-colored leaves are gorgeous. To a red or yellow leaf, I can guarantee they find the green ones lovelier.”

 

“There are still loonies who think I married my daughter, who think Soon-Yi was my child, who think Mia was my wife, who think I adopted Soon-Yi, who think that Obama wasn’t American. But there was never any trial. I was never charged with anything, as it was clear to the investigators nothing had ever occurred.”

 

My Take

Since my early 20’s, I have been a fan of Woody Allen (both his books and his movies).  Appropos of Nothing, a memoir which covers his entire life, is an entertaining walk down memory lane with lots of behind the scenes stories on his movies and career.  Allen also spends a fair amount of time address the whole Soon-Yi scandal and it is refreshing to hear his perspective.  While he is a self-absorbed artist who often fails to contemplate how his actions will be viewed, he is nevertheless a comedic genius who has led an incredibly fascinating and productive life.  I highly recommend this book, especially if you are a fan.

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481. No Rules Rules: Netflix and the Culture of Reinvention

Rating:  ☆☆☆☆

Recommended by:  Deidre Farrell

Author:   Reed Hastings and Erin Meyer

Genre:   Nonfiction, Business

464 pages, published September 8, 2020

Reading Format:  Book

Summary

In No Rules Rules, Netflix cofounder Reed Hastings and business writer Erin Meyer explore the unique culture behind one of the world’s most innovative and successful companies.  Launched in 1998 as an online DVD rental service, Netflix has reinvented itself multiple times. Along the way, the company adopted several counterintuitive, radical management principles. Hastings built a corporate culture focused on freedom, responsibility and innovation.  At Netflix, there are no vacation or expense policies, pay is overmarket with no bonuses, adequate performance gets a generous severance, hard work is irrelevant, you don’t try to please your boss, but give candid feedback instead.

Quotes 

“The Fearless Organization, she explains that if you want to encourage innovation, you should develop an environment where people feel safe to dream, speak up, and take risks. The safer the atmosphere, the more innovation you will have.”

 

“A fast and innovative workplace is made up of what we call “stunning colleagues”—highly talented people, of diverse backgrounds and perspectives, who are exceptionally creative, accomplish significant amounts of important work, and collaborate effectively. What’s more, none of the other principles can work unless you have ensured this first dot is in place.”

 

“even when other team members were exceptionally talented and intelligent, one individual’s bad behavior brought down the effectiveness of the entire team. In dozens of trials, conducted over month-long periods, groups with one underperformer did worse than other teams by a whopping 30 to 40 percent.”

 

“it made our workforce smarter. When you give low-level employees access to information that is generally reserved for high-level executives, they get more done on their own. They work faster without stopping to ask for information and approval. They make better decisions without needing input from the top.”

 

“A fast and innovative workplace is made up of what we call “stunning colleagues”—highly talented people, of diverse backgrounds and perspectives, who are exceptionally creative, accomplish significant amounts of important work, and collaborate effectively.”

 

“Humility is important in a leader and role model. When you succeed, speak about it softly or let others mention it for you. But when you make a mistake say it clearly and loudly, so that everyone can learn and profit from your errors. In other words, “Whisper wins and shout mistakes.”

 

“If you have a team of five stunning employees and two adequate ones, the adequate ones will sap managers’ energy, so they have less time for the top performers, reduce the quality of group discussions, lowering the team’s overall IQ, force others to develop ways to work around them, reducing efficiency, drive staff who seek excellence to quit, and show the team you accept mediocrity, thus multiplying the problem.”

 

“TALENT DENSITY: TALENTED PEOPLE MAKE ONE ANOTHER MORE EFFECTIVE”

 

“I recommend instead focusing first on something much more difficult: getting employees to give candid feedback to the boss. This can be accompanied by boss-to-employee feedback. But it’s when employees begin providing truthful feedback to their leaders that the big benefits of candor really take off.”

 

“Steve Jobs said: “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something—your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

 

“Only say about someone what you will say to their face.”

 

“TELL THE EMPEROR WHEN HE HAS NO CLOTHES…The higher you get in an organization, the less feedback you receive, and the more likely you are to ‘come to work naked’ or make another error that’s obvious to everyone but you.”

 

“My performance would ultimately be judged, not on whether any individual bet failed, but on my overall ability to use those chips to move the business forward. Jack made it clear that at Netflix you don’t lose your job because you make a bet that doesn’t work out. Instead you lose your job for not using your chips to make big things happen or for showing consistently poor judgment over time.”

 

My Take

Surprisingly for a business book, No Rules Rules was a captivating read.  The dynamic, unique culture (which focuses on empowering individual employees) at Netflix is very different from mainstream corporate America, but it works.  This book was a page turner and I highly recommend it.

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Ask Again, Yes

Rating:  ☆☆☆☆

Recommended by:

Author:   Mary Beth Keane

Genre:   Fiction

390 pages, published May 28, 2019

Reading Format:   Book

Summary

Ask Again, Yes is a work of fiction about two neighboring families in a suburban town outside of New York City, the bond between their children, a tragedy that echos over four decades, the daily intimacies of marriage, and the power of forgiveness.

Quotes 

“She’d learned that the beginning of one’s life mattered the most, that life was top-heavy that way.”

“The thing is, Peter, grown-ups don’t know what they’re doing any better than kids do. That’s the truth.”

 

“They’d both learned that a memory is a fact that has been dyed and trimmed and rinsed so many times that it comes out looking almost unrecognizable to anyone else who was in that room or anyone who was standing on the grass beneath that telephone pole.”

 

“We repeat what we don’t repair,”

 

“…and sometimes when he watched her – searching for something in her bag, or peeling an apple with her knuckle guiding the blade – he felt a shiver of panic that he’d almost not met her.”

“There was no predicting where life would go. There was no real way for a person to try something out, see if he liked it – the words he’d chosen when he told his uncle Patsy that he’d gotten into the police academy – because you try it and try it and try it a little longer and next thing it’s who you are.”

 

“This was the great shock of America, winters that would cut the face off a person, summers that were as thick and as soggy as bogs.”

 

“She did remember some things, but those memories were of a poor quality, like someone had smeared Vaseline on the lens.”

 

“And he’d figured out that the fun was often not the thing itself—the party, the keg stand, the naked running into the duck pond—but the endless talking about it after, the reliving and describing, and laughing about it in front of people who wished they’d been there. Used to be he was one of the kids listening, one of the kids who missed everything, but now, since college, since Kate, he was in the stories.”

 

My Take

Mary Beth Keane is a gifted writer and it was a pleasure to read Ask Again, Yes.  She creates such multi-dimensional characters that when the book is over, you feel that you really know these people.  I also found her exploration of the themes of acceptance and forgiveness to be thought provoking and powerful.  I will read her again.

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473. Better

Rating:  ☆☆☆☆

Recommended by:

Author:  Atul Gawande

Genre:   Non Fiction, Health, Medicine, Science, Memoir, Essays

273 pages, published April 3, 2007

Reading Format:  Audiobook on Overdrive

Summary

In Better, surgeon and author Atul Gawande explores different aspects of medical care (hygiene, obstetrics, medical malpractice, battlefield surgical tents in Iraq, doctor assisted administration of the death penalty, the treatment of polio in India) and explores how to bring improvements to different systems.

Quotes 

“Better is possible. It does not take genius. It takes diligence. It takes moral clarity. It takes ingenuity. And above all, it takes a willingness to try.”

 

“People underestimate the importance of dilligence as a virtue. No doubt it has something to do with how supremely mundane it seems. It is defined as “the constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken.”… Understood, however, as the prerequisite of great accomplishment, diligence stands as one of the most difficult challenges facing any group of people who take on tasks of risk and consequence. It sets a high, seemingly impossible, expectation for performance and human behavior.”

 

“The seemingly easiest and most sensible rule for a doctor to follow is: Always Fight. Always look for what more you could do.”

 

“We are used to thinking of doctoring as a solitary, intellectual task. But making medicine go right is less often like making a difficult diagnosis than like making sure everyone washes their hands.”

 

“The hardest question for anyone who takes responsibility for what he or she does is, What if I turn out to be average?”

 

“Doctors quickly learn that how much they make has little to do with how good they are. It largely depends on how they handle the business side of their practice.”

 

“Indeed, the scientific effort to improve performance in medicine—an effort that at present gets only a miniscule portion of scientific budgets—can arguably save more lives in the next decade than bench science, more lives than research on the genome, stem cell therapy, cancer vaccines, and all the other laboratory work we hear about in the news.”

 

“Ingenuity is often misunderstood. It is not a matter of superior intelligence but of character. It demands more than anything a willingness to recognize failure, to not paper over the cracks, and to change. It arises from deliberate, even obsessive, reflection on failure and a constant searching for new solutions.”

“We always hope for the easy fix: the one simple change that will erase a problem in a stroke. But few things in life work this way. Instead, success requires making a hundred small steps go right – one after the other, no slipups, no goofs, everyone pitching in.”

 

“Human birth…is a solution to an evolutionary problem: how a mammal can walk upright, which requires a small, fixed, bony pelvis, and also possess a large brain, which entails a baby whose head is too big to fit through that small pelvis…in a sense, all human mothers give birth prematurely. Other mammals are born mature enough to walk and seek food within hours; our newborns are small and helpless for months.”

 

“Betterment is perpetual labor. The world is chaotic, disorganized, and vexing, and medicine is nowhere spared that reality. To complicate matters, we in medicine are also only human ourselves. We are distractible, weak, and given to our own concerns. Yet still, to live as a doctor is to live so that one’s life is bound up in others’ and in science and in the messy, complicated connection between the two It is to live a life of responsibility. The question then, is not whether one accepts the responsibility. Just by doing this work, one has. The question is, having accepted the responsibility, how one does such work well.”

 

My Take

I always think the mark of a good non fiction book is how much I learned from reading it.  Well, I learned a lot about modern medicine after reading Better.   It also didn’t hurt that Atul Gawande (author of Being Mortal) is a talented writer with something to say.

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469. Bag of Bones

Rating:  ☆☆☆☆

Recommended by:

Author:   Stephen King

Genre:   Fiction, Thriller, Mystery, Fantasy, Suspense, Horror

529 pages, published September 22, 1998

Reading Format:  Audiobook on Overdrive

Summary

Bag of Bones is the story of novelist Mike Noonan and the grief he suffers after the sudden death of his pregnant wife Jo.  Mike develops writer’s block which is temporarily relieved when he returns to Sara Laughs, their remote vacation home on a lake in Maine.  There he meets the beautiful young widow Maddie and her toddler daughter Kyra.  Much stands in the way of Mike and Maddie’s growing attraction for each other:  her vengeful ex father in law who wants custody of Kyra, Mike’s reluctance to be with someone so much younger and the ghosts that increasingly insert themselves into the lives of Mike and those around him.

Quotes 

“Compared to the dullest human being actually walking about on the face of the earth and casting his shadow there,” Hardy supposedly said, “the most brilliantly drawn character in a novel is but a bag of bones.” I understood because that was what I felt like in those interminable, dissembling days: a bag of bones.”

“Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.”

 

“This is how we go on: one day at a time, one meal at a time, one pain at a time, one breath at a time. Dentists go on one root-canal at a time; boat-builders go on one hull at a time. If you write books, you go on one page at a time. We turn from all we know and all we fear. We study catalogues, watch football games, choose Sprint over AT&T. We count the birds in the sky and will not turn from the window when we hear the footsteps behind us as something comes up the hall; we say yes, I agree that clouds often look like other things – fish and unicorns and men on horseback – but they are really only clouds. Even when the lightening flashes inside them we say they are only clouds and turn our attention to the next meal, the next pain, the next breath, the next page. This is how we go on.”

 

“For men, I think, love is a thing formed of equal parts lust and astonishment. The astonishment part women understand. The lust part they only think they understand.”

 

“I felt lonely and content at the same time. I believe that is a rare kind of happiness.”

 

“Grief is like a drunken house guest, always coming back for one more goodbye hug.”

 

“I was being paid to do what I loved, and there’s no gig on earth better than that; it’s like a license to steal.”

 

“I see things, that’s all. Write enough stories and every shadow on the floor looks like a footprint; every line in the dirt like a secret message.”

 

“A person can go along quite awhile if they get a good day every once and again.”

 

“I think reality is thin, you know, thin as lake ice after a thaw, and we fill our lives with noise and light and motion to hide that thinness from ourselves.”

 

“Readers have a loyalty that cannot be matched anywhere else in the creative arts, which explains why so many writers who have run out of gas can keep coasting anyway, propelled on to the bestseller lists by the magic words AUTHOR OF on the covers of their books.”

 

“Fear is actually an acronym for Fuck Everything And Run.”

 

“And perhaps the greatest blessing was that we never knew how short the time was.”

 

“Murder is the worst kind of pornography, murder is let me do what I want taken to its final extreme.”

 

My Take

I have always enjoyed reading Stephen King and Bag of Bones was no exception.  In fact, it is now one of my favorite Stephen King books. Improving the reading experience was Stephen King narrating the audio version himself.  The main character novelist Mike Noonan is a stand in for King and hearing King tell this story adds extra resonance.  I especially enjoyed the touching relationship between Mike and toddler Kyra that is tenderly drawn.  I highly recommend this book.

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446. An Object of Beauty

Rating:  ☆☆☆☆

Recommended by:

Author:   Steve Martin

Genre:   Fiction, Art

304 pages, published November 23, 2010

Reading Format:  Audio Book

Summary

Lacey Yeager is an attractive, ambitious young woman who comes to New York to make her way in the art world during its heyday from the late 1990s through today.  Starting out at Sotheby’s, she climbs the social and career ladders with ease, finally opening her own gallery.

Quotes 

“When someone less capable is ahead of me, I am not pleased. It makes me insane.”

 

“Lacey was just as happy alone as with company. When she was alone, she was potential; with others she was realized. Alone, she was self-contained, her tightly spinning magnetic energy oscillating around her. When in company, she had invisible tethers to anyone in the room: as they moved away, she pulled them in.”

 

“I have found that– just as in real life–imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.”

 

“You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, ‘This is art, and you can’t do it.”

 

“…when the person beside you is making you alert and keen and the idea of being with anyone else is not imaginable…”

 

“she is nearing forty and not so easily forgiven as when her skin bloomed like roses.”

 

“She started converting objects of beauty into objects of value.”

 

“An artist who painted a face was now ‘playing with the idea of portraiture,’ or ‘exploring push-pull aesthetics,’ or toying with contradictions like ‘menacing-slash-playful,’ but he or she was never, ever, just painting a face.”

 

My Take

Written by iconic comedian Steve Martin, An Object of Beauty is a compelling character study of an ambitious young woman who also loves art.  I found it fascinating and learned a lot about the inner workings of New York art scene and how the market for art operates.

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445. Recursion

Rating:  ☆☆☆☆

Recommended by:

Author:   Blake Crouch

Genre:   Fiction, Science Fiction, Thriller

336 pages, published June 11, 2019

Reading Format:  Audio Book on Overdrive

Summary

New York City cop Barry Sutton is perplexed as he investigates the devastating phenomenon the media has dubbed False Memory Syndrome, a mysterious affliction that drives its victims mad with memories of a life they never lived.  Helena Smith has dedicated her life to research that will let us re-experience our most precious memories.  When Helena invents a technology that lets us re-set time and start over, she intersects with Barry and they team up to save the world from destroying itself.

Quotes 

“Life with a cheat code isn’t life. Our existence isn’t something to be engineered or optimized for the avoidance of pain. That’s what it is to be human – the beauty and the pain, each meaningless without the other.”

 

“Because memory…is everything. Physically speaking, a memory is nothing but a specific combination of neurons firing together—a symphony of neural activity. But in actuality, it’s the filter between us and reality. You think you’re tasting this wine, hearing the words I’m saying, in the present, but there’s no such thing. The neural impulses from your taste buds and your ears get transmitted to your brain, which processes them and dumps them into working memory—so by the time you know you’re experiencing something, it’s already in the past. Already a memory.”

“He has wondered lately if that’s all living really is—one long goodbye to those we love.”

 

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. —SØREN KIERKEGAARD”

 

“There are so few things in our existence we can count on to give us the sense of permanence, of the ground beneath our feet. People fail us. Our bodies fail us. We fail ourselves. He’s experienced all of that. But what do you cling to, moment to moment, if memories can simply change. What, then, is real? And if the answer is nothing, where does that leave us?”

 

“Time is an illusion, a construct made out of human memory. There’s no such thing as the past, the present, or the future. It’s all happening now.”

 

“I think balance is for people who don’t know why they’re here.”

 

“He thinks perhaps there’s a reason our memories are kept hazy and out of focus. Maybe their abstraction serves as an anesthetic, a buffer protecting us from the agony of time and all that it steals and erases.”

 

“He has made peace with the idea that part of life is facing your failures, and sometimes those failures are people you once loved.”

 

“He thinks how it will be winter soon, and then another year gone by and another one on the chopping block, time flowing faster and faster. Life is nothing how he expected it would be when he was young and living under the delusion that things could be controlled. Nothing can be controlled. Only endured.”

 

“This low point isn’t the book of your life. It’s just a chapter.”

 

“My soul knows your soul. In any time.”

 

“In high school, in college, she was encouraged again and again to find her passion-a reason to get out of bed and breathe. In her experience, few people ever found that raison d’etre.

What teachers and professors never told her was about the dark side of finding your purpose. The part where it consumes you. Where it becomes a destroyer of relationship and happiness. And still, she wouldn’t trade it. This is the only person she knows how to be.”

 

“Saint Augustine said it perfectly back in the fourth century: “What then is time? If no one asks me, I know what it is. If I wish to explain it to him who asks, I do not know.”

 

“Life with a cheat code isn’t life. Our existence isn’t something to be engineered or optimized for the avoidance of pain. That’s what it is to be human—the beauty and the pain, each meaningless without the other.”

 

“Is this what you want? To drop yourself into a still-life painting of a memory because life has broken your heart?”

 

“He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. —GEORGE ORWELL, 1984”

 

“When a person dies, he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past…All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist. It is just an illusion we have here on Earth that one moment follows another one, like beads on a string, and that once a moment is gone it is gone forever. —KURT VONNEGUT, SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE”

 

“But on a night like this, of a restless mind and dreams of ghosts, time feels secondary to the true prime mover—memory. Perhaps memory is fundamental, the thing from which time emerges.”

 

“The three most important people in her life are gone, and she will never see them again. The stark loneliness of that knowledge cuts her to the bone.

She is forty-nine, and she wonders if this is what feeling old really means — not just a physical deterioration, but an interpersonal. A growing silence caused by the people you most love, who have shaped you and defined your world, going on ahead into whatever comes after.”

 

“Consciousness is a result of environment. Our cognitions – our idea of reality – are shaped by what we can perceive, by the limitations of our senses.”

 

“She realizes that children are always too young and self-absorbed to really see their parents in the prime of their lives.”

 

My Take

I found Recursion to be a highly engaging and fascinating read.  While it stands on its own as a SciFi thriller, author Blake Crouch also has a lot of interesting things to say about time and memory and the role they play in making us who we are.  Recommended.

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444. Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It

Rating:  ☆☆☆☆

Recommended by:

Author:   Chris Voss

Genre:   Non Fiction, Psychology, Self Improvement, Business

274 pages, published May 17, 2016

Reading Format:  Audio Book on Hoopla

Summary

Chris Voss, a former hostage negotiator for the FBI, explains his approach to negotiating.  He takes you inside the world of high-stakes negotiations, discussing the skills that helped him to save lives and applies them to a variety of real life situations.

Quotes 

“He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.”

 

“Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth or forceful you are. It’s about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea. So don’t beat them with logic or brute force. Ask them questions that open paths to your goals. It’s not about you.”

 

“If you approach a negotiation thinking the other guy thinks like you, you are wrong. That’s not empathy, that’s a projection.”

 

“The fastest and most efficient means of establishing a quick working relationship is to acknowledge the negative and diffuse it.”

 

“The positive/playful voice: Should be your default voice. It’s the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person. Your attitude is light and encouraging. The key here is to relax and smile while you’re talking.”

 

“Though the intensity may differ from person to person, you can be sure that everyone you meet is driven by two primal urges: the need to feel safe and secure, and the need to feel in control. If you satisfy those drives, you’re in the door.”

 

“Another simple rule is, when you are verbally assaulted, do not counterattack. Instead, disarm your counterpart by asking a calibrated question.”

 

“Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction and without judgment. Then consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate, and solution-based thoughts.”

 

“Psychotherapy research shows that when individuals feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more carefully and to openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings.”

 

“The beauty of empathy is that it doesn’t demand that you agree with the other person’s ideas.”

 

“ Identify your counterpart’s negotiating style. Once you know whether they are Accommodator, Assertive, or Analyst, you’ll know the correct way to approach them.   Prepare, prepare, prepare. When the pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion; you fall to your highest level of preparation. So design an ambitious but legitimate goal and then game out the labels, calibrated questions, and responses you’ll use to get there. That way, once you’re at the bargaining table, you won’t have to wing it.  Get ready to take a punch. Kick-ass negotiators usually lead with an extreme anchor to knock you off your game. If you’re not ready, you’ll flee to your maximum without a fight. So prepare your dodging tactics to avoid getting sucked into the compromise trap.   Set boundaries, and learn to take a punch or punch back, without anger. The guy across the table is not the problem; the situation is.  Prepare an Ackerman plan. Before you head into the weeds of bargaining, you’ll need a plan of extreme anchor, calibrated questions, and well-defined offers. Remember: 65, 85, 95, 100 percent. Decreasing raises and ending on nonround numbers will get your counterpart to believe that he’s squeezing you for all you’re worth when you’re really getting to the number you want.”

 

“What does a good babysitter sell, really? It’s not child care exactly, but a relaxed evening. A furnace salesperson? Cozy rooms for family time. A locksmith? A feeling of security. Know the emotional drivers and you can frame the benefits of any deal in language that will resonate.”

 

“Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.”

 

“It all starts with the universally applicable premise that people want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there. By listening intensely, a negotiator demonstrates empathy and shows a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing.”

 

“The last rule of labeling is silence. Once you’ve thrown out a label, be quiet and listen.”

 

“First, let’s talk a little human psychology. In basic terms, people’s emotions have two levels: the “presenting” behavior is the part above the surface you can see and hear; beneath, the “underlying” feeling is what motivates the behavior. Imagine a grandfather who’s grumbly at a family holiday dinner: the presenting behavior is that he’s cranky, but the underlying emotion is a sad sense of loneliness from his family never seeing him. What good negotiators do when labeling is address those underlying emotions. Labeling negatives diffuses them (or defuses them, in extreme cases); labeling positives reinforces them.”

 

“This really juices their self-esteem. Researchers have found that people getting concessions often feel better about the bargaining process than those who are given a single firm, “fair” offer. In fact, they feel better even when they end up paying more—or receiving less—than they otherwise might.”

 

“A good negotiator prepares, going in, to be ready for possible surprises; a great negotiator aims to use her skills to reveal the surprises she is certain to find. Don’t commit to assumptions; instead, view them as hypotheses and use the negotiation to test them rigorously. People who view negotiation as a battle of arguments become overwhelmed by the voices in their head. Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible. To quiet the voices in your head, make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say. Slow. It. Down. Going too fast is one of the mistakes all negotiators are prone to making. If we’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard. You risk undermining the rapport and trust you’ve built. Put a smile on your face. When people are in a positive frame of mind, they think more quickly, and are more likely to collaborate and problem-solve (instead of fight and resist). Positivity creates mental agility in both you and your counterpart.”

 

“The Rule of Three is simply getting the other guy to agree to the same thing three times in the same conversation. It’s tripling the strength of whatever dynamic you’re trying to drill into at the moment. In doing so, it uncovers problems before they happen. It’s really hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction.”

 

“Mirrors work magic. Repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said. We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar. Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding. Use mirrors to encourage the other side to empathize and bond with you, keep people talking, buy your side time to regroup, and encourage your counterparts to reveal their strategy.”

 

“By repeating back what people say, you trigger this mirroring instinct and your counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting.”

 

“Creating unconditional positive regard opens the door to changing thoughts and behaviors. Humans have an innate urge toward socially constructive behavior. The more a person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold. “That’s right” is better than “yes.” Strive for it. Reaching “that’s right” in a negotiation creates breakthroughs. Use a summary to trigger a “that’s right.” The building blocks of a good summary are a label combined with paraphrasing. Identify, rearticulate, and emotionally affirm.”

 

My Take

I had previously read Getting to Yes: Negotiating an Agreement Without Giving In, another book on negotiating, but prefer the ideas in Never Split the Difference.  Author Chris Voss provides lots of detailed instructions and ideas on how to get the result you want in any negotiation.

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441. Childhood’s End

Rating:  ☆☆☆☆

Recommended by:

Author:    Arthur C. Clarke

Genre:   Fiction, Science Fiction

234 pages, published August 1953

Reading Format:  Book

Summary

Written in 1952, Childhood’s End describes a world in which a group of beings from outer space appear in spaceships over every city on earth.  Called the Overlords, the extraterrestrial beings are intellectually, technologically, and militarily superior to humankind and exert their benevolent will to unify the planet, eliminate poverty, end war and improve life. With only a few pockets of resistance, humankind agreed and a golden age began.  However, it was not to last.

Quotes 

“No utopia can ever give satisfaction to everyone, all the time. As their material conditions improve, men raise their sights and become discontented with power and possessions that once would have seemed beyond their wildest dreams. And even when the external world has granted all it can, there still remain the searchings of the mind and the longings of the heart.”

 

“Science can destroy religion by ignoring it as well as by disproving its tenets. No one ever demonstrated, so far as I am aware, the nonexistence of Zeus or Thor, but they have few followers now.”

 

“Science is the only religion of mankind.”

 

“Utopia was here at last: its novelty had not yet been assailed by the supreme enemy of all Utopias—boredom.”

 

“In this single galaxy of ours there are eighty-seven thousand million suns. […] In challenging it, you would be like ants attempting to label and classify all the grains of sand in all the deserts of the world. […] It is a bitter thought, but you must face it. The planets you may one day possess. But the stars are not for man.”

 

“man’s beliefs were his own affair, so long as they did not interfere with the liberty of others.”

 

“Western man had relearned-what the rest of the world had never forgotten-that there was nothing sinful in leisure as long as it did not degenerate into mere sloth.”

 

“The world’s now placid, featureless, and culturally dead: nothing really new has been created since the Overlords came. The reason’s obvious. There’s nothing left to struggle for, and there are too many distractions and entertainments. Do you realize that every day something like five hundred hours of radio and TV pour out over the various channels? If you went without sleep and did nothing else, you could follow less than a twentieth of the entertainment that’s available at the turn of a switch! No wonder that people are becoming passive sponges—absorbing but never creating. Did you know that the average viewing time per person is now three hours a day? Soon people won’t be living their own lives any more. It will be a full-time job keeping up with the various family serials on TV!”

 

“Everybody on this island has one ambition, which may be summed up very simply. It is to do something, however small it may be, better than anyone else. Of course, it’s an ideal we don’t all achieve. But in this modern world the great thing is to have an ideal. Achieving it is considerably less important.”

 

My Take

Prior to Childhood’s End, I had never read anything by Arthur C. Clarke.  My favorite science fiction writer has always been Isaac Asimov.  It turned out to be a real treat to read this fascinating tale by one of the genre’s master storytellers.  Although written in 1952, Childhood’s End holds up well.  I had a hard time putting it down and recommend you check it out.

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