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93. What Alice Forgot

Rating:  ☆☆☆1/2

Recommended by:  Heather Bohart

Author:   Lianne Moriarty

Genre:  Fiction, Romance

476 pages, published 2009

Reading Format:  Audio Book

 

Summary

As the book opens, Alice Love is twenty-nine, head over heels in love with her husband and pregnant with her first child.  When Alice is admitted to the hospital after hitting her head at the gym, she is shocked to discover that she is actually 39 years old, has three kids, is in the middle of a nasty divorce and does not seem to be the person she thought she was.  As the book unfolds, Alice must discover what happened to her and the idyllic life she thought she had.  

 

Quotes

“Early love is exciting and exhilarating. It’s light and bubbly. Anyone can love like that. But after three children, after a separation and a near-divorce, after you’ve hurt each other and forgiven each other, bored each other and surprised each other, after you’ve seen the worst and the best– well, that sort of love is ineffable. It deserves its own word.”

 

“He got Alice, the way we did, or maybe even more so than us. He made her more confident, funnier, smarter. He brought out all the things that were there already and let her be fully herself, so she seemed to shine with this inner light.”

 

“They would think she was savoring the taste (blueberries, cinnamon, cream-excellent), but she was actually savoring the whole morning, trying to catch it, pin it down, keep it safe before all those precious moments became yet another memory.”

 

“How strange it all was. Wouldn’t it be a lot less messy if everyone just stayed with the people they married in the first place?”

 

“She was busy thinking about the concept of forgiveness. It was such a lovely, generous idea when it wasn’t linked to something awful that needed forgiving.”

 

“It was good to remember that for every horrible memory from her marriage, there was also a happy one. She wanted to see it clearly, to understand that it wasn’t all black, or all white. It was a million colors. And yes, ultimately it hadn’t worked out, but that was okay. Just because a marriage ended didn’t mean that it hadn’t been happy at times.”

 

“Each memory, good and bad, was another invisible thread that bound them together, even when they were foolishly thinking they could lead separate lives. It was as simple and complicated as that.”

 

“There just wasn’t enough time in 2008. It had become a limited resource. Back in 1998, the days were so much more spacious. When she woke up in the morning, the day rolled out in front of her like a long hallway for her to meander down, free to linger over the best parts. Days were so stingy now. Mean slivers of time. They flew by like speeding cars. Whoosh! When she was pulling back the blankets to hop into bed each night, it felt as if only seconds ago.”

 

“But maybe every life looked wonderful if all you saw was the photo albums.”

 

“I’d be at work where poeple respected my opinions, said Nick. And then, I’d come home and it was like I was the village idiot.”

 

“We’d traveled, we’d been to lots of parties, lots of movies and concerts, we’d slept in. We’d done all those things that people with children seem to miss so passionately. We didn’t want those things anymore. We wanted a baby.”

 

“I remember how it crept up so slowly on me, like that agonizingly slow old electric blanket which used to almost imperceptibly heat up my frosty sheets, second by second, until I’d think, “Hey, I haven’t shivered in a while. Actually, I’m warm. I’m blissfully warm.” That’s how it was with Ben. I moved on from “I really shouldn’t be leading this guy on when I have no interest” to “He’s not that bad-looking really” to “I sort of enjoy being with him” to “Actually, I’m crazy about him.”

 

My Take

What Alice Forgot is the third book by Liane Moriarity that I have read since starting my thousand book quest (the first two are Big Little Lies and The Husband’s Secret) and it does not disappoint.  Moriarity has a formula that typifies her books and it works well for her.  Her books are set in Australia with several female protagonists and one or, usually more than one, of them has a conflict to be resolved.  There is also typically some sort of twist.  By the end of the book, all has been settled and the characters are ready to move on with their newly improved lives. While What Alice Forgot hews closely to the Moriarity formula, it’s insights into long-term marriages and how we change in them does offer some novelty and interest.  Easy read.  Perfect vacation book.

 

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89. The Light Between Oceans

Rating:  ☆☆☆☆

Recommended by:  

Author:   M.L. Stedman

Genre:  Historical Fiction, Fiction, Romance

343 pages, published July 31, 2012

Reading Format:  Audio Book

 

Summary

After four years on the Western Front during World War I, Tom Sherbourne returns to Australia and takes a job as the lighthouse keeper on the very isolated Janus Rock where the supply boat comes once a season and shore leaves are granted every other year.  Before settling in, Tom meets the young, beautiful and bold Isabel.  They strike a correspondence that eventually leads to marriage.  Their idyllic and loving relationship begins to deteriorate after Isabel suffers two miscarriages and one stillbirth.  When a boat has washes up onshore carrying a dead man and a living baby, Isabel thinks her prayers have been answered and views the baby girl as a gift from God.  Tom, who is torn by his sense of propriety and his wife’s overwhelming grief, reluctantly agrees to pretend that Isabel gave birth to this baby.  This decision sets forth a series of events which tests Tom and Isabel’s marriage, consciences and sanity.

 

Quotes

“…or I can forgive and forget…Oh, but my treasure, it is so much less exhausting. You only have to forgive once. To resent, you have to do it all day, every day. You have to keep remembering all the bad things…we always have a choice.”

 

“You’ve had so much strife but you’re always happy. How do you do it?” “I choose to,”

 

“Izz, I’ve learned the hard way that to have any kind of a future you’ve got to give up hope of ever changing your past.”

 

“Sometimes life turns out hard, Isabel. Sometimes it just bites right through you. And sometimes, just when you think it’s done its worst, it comes back and takes another chunk.”

 

“When it comes to their kids, parents are all just instinct and hope. And fear.”

 

“It astounds him that the tiny life of the girl means more to him than all the millennia before it. He struggles to make sense of his emotions – how he can feel both tenderness and unease when she kisses him goodnight, or presents a grazed knee for him to kiss better with the magic power that only a parent has. For Isabel, too, he is torn between the desire he feels for her, the love, and the sense that he cannot breathe. The two sensations grate at one another, unresolved.”

 

“Coming back last time to the house she grew up in, Isabel had been reminded of the darkness that had descended with her brothers’ deaths, how loss had leaked all over her mother’s life like a stain. As a fourteen-year-old, Isabel had searched the dictionary. She knew that if a wife lost a husband, there was a whole new word to describe who she was: she was now a widow. A husband became a widower. But if a parent loss a child, there was no special label for their grief. They were still just a mother or a father, even if they no longer had a son or daughter. That seemed odd. As to her own status, she wondered whether she was still technically a sister, now that her adored brothers had died.”

 

“Putting down the burden of the lie has meant giving up the freedom of the dream.”

 

“Humans withdraw to their homes, and surrender the night to the creatures that own it: the crickets, the owls, the snakes. A world that hasn’t changed for hundreds of thousands of years wakes up, and carries on as if the daylight and the humans and the changes to the landscape have all been an illusion.”

 

“There are still more days to travel in this life. And he knows that the man who makes the journey has been shaped by every day and every person along the way. Scars are just another kind of memory….Soon enough the days will close over their lives, the grass will grow over their graves, until their story is just an unvisited headstone.”

 

“It is a luxury to do something that serves no practical purpose: the luxury of civilization.”

 

“History is that which is agreed upon by mutual consent.”

 

“Right and wrong can be like bloody snakes: so tangled up that you can’t tell which is which until you’ve shot’em both, and then it’s too late.”

 

“The town draws a veil over certain events. This is a small community where everyone knows that sometimes the contract to forget is as important as any promise to remember. Children can grow up having no knowledge of the indiscretion of their father in his youth or the illegitimate sibling who lives fifty miles away and bears another man’s name. History is that which is agreed upon by mutual consent. That’s how life goes on; protected by the silence that anaesthetises shame.”

 

“No one ever has or ever will travel quite the same path on earth…”

 

“We live with the decisions we make, Bill. That’s what bravery is. Standing by the consequences of your mistakes.”

 

My Take

The Light Between Oceans is a beautifully written book that examines the impact of a questionable, but understandable, decision made by the main characters Tom and Isabel.  When the couple, who lives in and operate a remote lighthouse, discovers a baby girl who washed up to shore in a rowboat with a dead man, it seems like an answer to their prayers, especially for Isabel who has suffered several miscarriages and a still birth.  Tom is not so sure they should keep the child, but puts aside his concerns to keep his wife from slipping into madness.  When, several years later, Tom discovers the child has a living mother who is grief-stricken at the loss of her husband and child, he is racked by guilt.  The examination of this situation and its impact on the essentially good and decent Tom and Isabel makes The Light Between Oceans a compelling read.

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88. Yes, Please

Rating:  ☆☆☆1/2

Recommended by:  

Author:   Amy Poehler

Genre:  Non-Fiction, Memoir, Humor

329 pages, published October 28, 2014

Reading Format:  Audio Book

 

Summary

Yes Please is a humorous memoir by Amy Poehler of Saturday Night Live and Parks and Rec fame.  In plainspoken and irreverent style, Amy recounts stories from her normal childhood all the way through her divorce from fellow comedian Will Arnett.  The title “Yes Please” refers to her formative experience with the Upright Citizens Brigade, an improv group in which she was taught to say “yes” to any improv idea thrown her way.  “Yes Please” is also  an apt description of her response to a wide range of opportunities throughout her life.  With chapters like “Treat Your Career Like a Bad Boyfriend,” “Plain Girl Versus the Demon” and “The Robots Will Kill Us All” “Yes Please” will make you both think and laugh.  

 

Quotes

“It’s called Yes Please because it is the constant struggle and often the right answer. Can we figure out what we want, ask for it, and stop talking? Yes please. Is being vulnerable a power position? Yes please. Am I allowed to take up space? Yes please. Would you like to be left alone? Yes please. I love saying “yes” and I love saying “please.” Saying “yes” doesn’t mean I don’t know how to say no, and saying “please” doesn’t mean I am waiting for permission. “Yes please” sounds powerful and concise. It’s a response and a request. It is not about being a good girl; it is about being a real woman. It’s also a title I can tell my kids. I like when they say “Yes please” because most people are rude and nice manners are the secret keys to the universe.”

 

“I want to be around people that do things. I don’t want to be around people anymore that judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people that dream and support and do things.”

 

“You do it because the doing of it is the thing. The doing is the thing. The talking and worrying and thinking is not the thing.”

 

“I think we should stop asking people in their twenties what they “want to do” and start asking them what they don’t want to do.”

 

“Anger and embarrassment are often neighbors.”

 

“Your ability to navigate and tolerate change and its painful uncomfortableness directly correlates to your happiness and general well-being. See what I just did there? I saved you thousands of dollars on self-help books. If you can surf your life rather than plant your feet, you will be happier.”

 

“Either way, we both agree that ambivalence is a key to success. I will say it again. Ambivalence is key. You have to care about your work but not the result. You have to care about how good you and how good you feel, but now about how good people think you are or how good people think you look I realize this is extremely difficult. I am not saying I am particularly good at it. I’m like you. Or maybe you’er better at this and I am. You will never climb Career Mountain and get to the top and shout, ‘I made it!’ You will rarely feel done or complete or even successful Most people I know struggle with that complicated soup of feeling slighted on one hand and like a total fraud on the other. Our ego is a monster that loves to sit at the head of the table, and I have learned that my ego is just as rude and loud and hungry as everyone else’s. It doesn’t matter how much you get; you are left wanting more. Success is filled with MSG.”

 

“However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, “I’m just crying because of how wrong you are.”

 

“The only way we will survive is by being kind. The only way we can get by in this world is through the help we receive from others. No one can do it alone, no matter how great the machines are.”

 

“You have to care about your work but not about the result. You have to care about how good you are and how good you feel, but not about how good people think you are or how good people think you look.”

 

“Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier.”

 

“Watching great people do what you love is a good way to start learning how to do it yourself.”

 

“Great people do things before they’re ready. They do things before they know they can do it. Doing what you’re afraid of, getting out of your comfort zone, taking risks like that- that’s what life is. You might be really good. You might find out something about yourself that’s really special and if you’re not good, who cares? You tried something. Now you know something about yourself”

 

“Hopefully as you get older, you start to learn how to live with your demon. It’s hard at first. Some people give their demon so much room that there is no space in their head or bed for love. They feed their demon and it gets really strong and then it makes them stay in abusive relationships or starve their beautiful bodies. But sometimes, you get a little older and get a little bored of the demon. Through good therapy and friends and self-love you can practice treating the demon like a hacky, annoying cousin. Maybe a day even comes when you are getting dressed for a fancy event and it whispers, “You aren’t pretty,” and you go, “I know, I know, now let me find my earrings.” Sometimes you say, “Demon, I promise you I will let you remind me of my ugliness, but right now I am having hot sex so I will check in later.”

 

“Career is different. Career is the stringing together of opportunities and jobs. Mix in public opinion and past regrets. Add a dash of future panic and a whole lot of financial uncertainty. Career is something that fools you into thinking you are in control and then takes pleasure in reminding you that you aren’t. Career is the thing that will not fill you up and never make you truly whole. Depending on your career is like eating cake for breakfast and wondering why you start crying an hour later.”

“The truth is, writing is this: hard and boring and occasionally great but usually not.”

 

“I am introducing a new idea. Try to care less. Practice ambivalence. Learn to let go of wanting it.”

 

“Fighting aging is like the War on Drugs. It’s expensive, does more harm than good, and has been proven to never end.”

 

“Now, before I extend this metaphor, let me make a distinction between career and creativity. Creativity is connected to your passion, that light inside you that drives you. That joy that comes when you do something you love. That small voice that tells you, “I like this. Do this again. You are good at it. Keep going.” That is the juicy stuff that lubricates our lives and helps us feel less alone in the world. Your creativity is not a bad boyfriend. It is a really warm older Hispanic lady who has a beautiful laugh and loves to hug. If you are even a little bit nice to her she will make you feel great and maybe cook you delicious food.”

 

“I asked the indefatigable Betty White what she was going to do when she got home. She told me she was going to fix herself a “vodka on the rocks and eat a cold hot dog.” In one sentence, she proved my theory and made me excited for my future.”

 

“Annie taught me that orphanages were a blast and being rich is the only thing that matters. Grease taught me being in a gang is nonstop fun and you need to dress sexier to have any chance of keeping a guy interested.”

 

“Because remember, the talking about the thing isn’t the thing. The doing of the thing is the thing.”

 

“nice manners are the secret keys to the universe.”

 

“Ignore what other people think. Most people aren’t even paying attention to you.”

My Take

I listened to Amy Poehler’s Yes Please which was read by Poehler and, like Tina Fey’s Bossy Pants, I recommend the audio version of this book.  Like Fey, Poehler has led an interesting life with lots of twists and turns.  Reading both Yes Please and Bossy Pants, you will see that Poehler and Fey are in a mutual admiration society as each book has a significant discussion about the other. Poehler’s memoir is filled with sage advice for women working and raising a family and lots of humor to boot.  I unequivocally recommend it.

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86. 100 Days of Happiness: a novel

Rating:  ☆☆☆☆☆

Recommended by:  

Author:   Fausto Brizzi

Genre:  Fiction

368 pages, published August 11, 2015

Reading Format:  Audio Book

 

Summary

100 Days of Happiness tells the story of Lucio Battistini, a resident of Rome, who is separated from his wife Paola and their two young children (Lorenzo and Eva) after she learns that he has had an affair.  Lucio is sleeping in the stock room of his father-in-law’s bakery when he learns that he has inoperable cancer and only 100 days to live, give or take.  Lucio buys a notebook and the first item he writes in it is to win back Paola.  Lucio spends the next three months trying to do that and also enjoying every moment with a zest he hasn’t felt in years.  By the end of the journey, Lucio becomes the man he’s always meant to be.

 

Quotes

“I know her by heart, and that doesn’t make me love her any less. Like a Dante scholar who learns the entire Divine Comedy and then just appreciates the poem even more profoundly.”

 

“The important thing is to make sure that when death comes, it finds us still alive.”

 

“Always remember that the only riches we possess are the dreams we have as children. They are the fuel of our lives, the only force that pushes us to keep on going even when things have gone all wrong.”

 

“Just work, work, work, even at the risk of making mistakes. And if and when you do make mistakes, and you do hurt someone, ask for forgiveness. Asking forgiveness and admitting you’ve made a mistake is the hardest thing of all. But if someone else does you good, remember it always. Showing gratitude is every bit as complicated.”

 

“Every one of us has already experienced thousands of last times without even realizing it. Most of the time, in fact, you never even imagine that what you’re experiencing is the last time.”

 

“It makes me sad. Everything, even good things, makes me sad.”

 

“A chitchat shop. Simple but brilliant. Not even Leonardo da Vinci ever came up with this one. It’s like a pharmacy that stocks friendship.”

 

“Sometimes real troubles give you a strength you never had before”

 

“Papà was a professional bullshit artist so outstanding in his lying skills that if he’d set his mind to it, he could easily have become prime minister of Italy.”

 

My Take

I really loved 100 Days of Happiness and gave it one of my few five star ratings.  While the subject matter (one’s last three months to live) is somber and could be depressing, Lucio makes it into a kind of wistful adventure on which you are all too happy to tag along on. Along the way, as we learn about what matters most to Lucio, you are given the opportunity to reflect on what is most important to you.  How you spend the last 100 days of your life?  What have you left undone that you can address before it’s too late?  It also doesn’t hurt that the book takes place in Italy, one of my favorite countries, and Brizzi makes you feel as if you are there (or at least wish you were).  I highly recommend this book, especially the audio book version.

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85. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Rating:  ☆☆☆

Recommended by:  

Author:   Brené Brown

Genre:  Non-Fiction. Self-Help, Psychology

287 pages, published September 11, 2012

Reading Format:  Audio Book

 

Summary

Brené Brown begins Daring Greatly with the following quote from Theodore Roosevelt:  “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; . . . who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”   This famous quote captures the theme of Brown’s self-improvement tome. She encourages the reader to dare greatly by being vulnerable, having courage and engaging with our whole hearts.

 

Quotes

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”

 

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

 

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

 

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

 

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”

 

“Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”

 

“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.”

 

“The real questions for parents should be: “Are you engaged? Are you paying attention?” If so, plan to make lots of mistakes and bad decisions. Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong and how we can do better next time. The mandate is not to be perfect and raise happy children. Perfection doesn’t exist, and I’ve found what makes children happy doesn’t always prepare them to be courageous, engaged adults.”

 

“Wholeheartedness. There are many tenets of Wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness; facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough.”

 

“Spirituality emerged as a fundamental guidepost in Wholeheartedness. Not religiosity but the deeply held belief that we are inextricably connected to one another by a force greater than ourselves–a force grounded in love and compassion. For some of us that’s God, for others it’s nature, art, or even human soulfulness. I believe that owning our worthiness is the act of acknowledging that we are sacred. Perhaps embracing vulnerability and overcoming numbing is ultimately about the care and feeding of our spirits.”

 

“Those who feel lovable, who love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging. I often say that Wholeheartedness is like the North Star: We never really arrive, but we certainly know if we’re headed in the right direction.”

 

“Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.”

 

“For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is “I didn’t get enough sleep.” The next one is “I don’t have enough time.” Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don’t have enough of. …Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we go to bed at night, our minds are racing with a litany of what we didn’t get, or didn’t get done, that day. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to that reverie of lack. …This internal condition of scarcity, this mind-set of scarcity, lives at the very heart of our jealousies, our greed, our prejudice, and our arguments with life.”

My Take

While there are some ideas expressed in Daring Greatly that I agreed with and was inspired by, as a whole the book didn’t have a huge impact on me.  However, I did appreciate Brown’s focus on the importance of vulnerability and wholeheartedness and concur that they are both important parts of having a meaningful and courageous life.

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84. The Time Keeper

Rating:  ☆☆☆

Recommended by:  

Author:   Mitch Albom

Genre:  Fiction

224 pages, published September 4, 2012

Reading Format:  Audio Book

 

Summary

The inventor of the world’s first clock is punished for trying to measure God’s greatest gift.  He is banished to a cave for centuries and forced to listen to the voices of all who come after him seeking more days, more years.  Eventually, with his soul nearly broken, Father Time is granted his freedom, along with a magical hourglass and a mission: a chance to redeem himself by teaching two earthly people the true meaning of time.  He returns to our world which is now dominated by the hour-counting he so innocently began.  He follows the journeys on two people, a teenage girl who is about to give up on life and a wealthy old businessman who wants to live forever.  To save himself, the Timekeeper must save them both.

 

Quotes

“Try to imagine a life without timekeeping.  You probably can’t.  You know the month, the year, the day of the week.  There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored.  Birds are not late.  A dog does not check its watch.  Deer do not fret over passing birthdays.  Man alone measures time.  Man alone chimes the hour.  And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures.  A fear of time running out.”

 

“We all yearn for what we have lost. But sometimes, we forget what we have.”

 

“There is a reason God limits our days.’  ‘Why?’  To make each one precious.”

 

“Everything man does today to be efficient, to fill the hour? It does not satisfy. It only makes him hungry to do more. Man wants to own his existence. But no one owns time. When you are measuring life, you are not living it.”

 

“As mankind grew obsessed with its hours, the sorrow of lost time became a permanent hole in the human heart. People fretted over missed chances, over inefficient days; they worried constantly about how long they would live, because counting life’s moments had led, inevitably, to counting them down. Soon, in every nation and in every language, time became the most precious commodity.”

 

“There was always a quest for more minutes, more hours, faster progress to accomplish more in each day. The simple joy of living between summers was gone.”

 

“When we are most alone is when we embrace another’s loneliness.”

 

“With no loss or sacrifice, we can’t appreciate what we have.”

 

“We do not realize the sound the world makes — unless, of course, it comes to a stop. Then, when it starts, it sounds like an orchestra.”

 

“She had been so consumed with escaping her own misery, she hadn’t considered the misery she might inflict.”

 

“This time was different. The tools of this era–phones, computers–enabled people to move at a blurring pace. Yet despite all they accomplished, they were never at peace.”

My Take

There are some interesting ideas in Mitch Albom’s The Time Keeper that made me think about my approach to time.  While I am usually concerned about being productive, I’m always happier when I make time to appreciate all of the many blessings in my life and in this world.  I’m even happier when I concretely express appreciation for these blessings.  While the story in The Time Keeper is not particularly compelling, the ideas it contains, especially the idea that we should take a step back from our fast paced world to smell the roses, makes the book a decent read.

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83. Modern Romance

Rating:  ☆☆☆1/2

Recommended by:  

Author:   Aziz Ansari

Genre:  Non-Fiction, Humor

288 pages, published June 16, 2014

Reading Format:  Audio Book

 

Summary

With the advent of smart phones, texting, social media, and on-line dating, things have changed dramatically in the past few decades.  Single people today have more romantic options than at any point in human history, but are often more frustrated as they try to find Mr. or Mrs. Right.  In Modern Romance, comic Aziz Ansari takes a look at modern day courting and relationships.  Ansari teamed up with NYU sociologist Eric Klinenberg and consulted with some of the world’s leading social scientists. They designed a massive research project, including hundreds of interviews and focus groups conducted everywhere from Tokyo to Buenos Aires to Wichita.  They analyzed behavioral data and surveys and created their own online research forum on Reddit, which drew thousands of messages.  The result is a unique book which combines social science and humor.

 

Quotes

“Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long. So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide: Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it’s a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that. Ideally, though, we’re lucky, and we find our soul mate and enjoy that life-changing mother lode of happiness. But a soul mate is a very hard thing to find.”

 

“Like most fedora wearers, he had a lot of inexplicable confidence.”

 

“When I’ve really been in love with someone, it’s not because they looked a certain way or liked a certain TV show or a certain cuisine. It’s more because when I watched a certain TV show or ate a certain cuisine with them, it was the most fun thing ever.”

 

“We want something that’s very passionate, or boiling, from the get-go. In the past, people weren’t looking for something boiling; they just needed some water. Once they found it and committed to a life together, they did their best to heat things up. Now, if things aren’t boiling, committing to marriage seems premature.”

 

“As a medium, it’s safe to say, texting facilitates flakiness and rudeness and many other personality traits that would not be expressed in a phone call or an in-person interaction.”

 

“No matter how many options we have, the real challenge is figuring out how to evaluate them.”

 

“That’s the thing about the Internet: It doesn’t simply help us find the best thing out there; it has helped to produce the idea that there is a best thing and, if we search hard enough, we can find it. And in turn there are a whole bunch of inferior things that we’d be foolish to choose.”

 

“This kind of rigor goes into a lot of my decision making. Whether it’s where I’m eating, where I’m traveling, or, god forbid, something I’m buying, I feel compelled to do a lot of research to make sure I’m getting the best.  At certain times, though, this “I need the best” mentality can be debilitating. I wish I could just eat somewhere that looks good and be happy with my choice. But I can’t. The problem is that I know somewhere there is a perfect meal for me and I have to do however much research I can to find it.”

 

“Finding someone today is probably more complicated and stressful than it was for previous generations—but you’re also more likely to end up with someone you are really excited about.”

 

“There is no official guidebook anywhere on texting yet, but a cultural consensus has slowly formed in regard to texts. Some basic rules:  Don’t text back right away. You come off like a loser who has nothing going on.  If you write to someone, don’t text them again until you hear from them.  The amount of text you write should be of a similar length to what the other person has written to you. Carrying this through, if your messages are in blue and the other person’s messages are green, if there is a shit ton more blue than green in your conversation, this person doesn’t give a shit about you.  The person who receives the last message in a convo WINS!”

 

“We repeatedly found that one text can change the whole dynamic of a budding relationship. … When I spoke with Sherry Turkle about this, she said that texting, unlike an in-person conversation, is not a forgiving medium for mistakes. In a face-to-face conversation, people can read each other’s body language, facial expressions, and tones of voice. If you say something wrong, you have the cues to sense it and you have a moment to recover or rephrase before it makes a lasting impact. Even on the phone you can hear a change in someone’s voice or a pause to let you know how they are interpreting what you’ve said. In text, your mistake just sits there marinating on the other person’s screen, leaving a lasting record of your ineptitude and bozoness.”

 

“Unlike phone calls, which bind two people in real-time conversations that require at least some shared interpretation of the situation, communication by text has no predetermined temporal sequencing and lots of room for ambiguity. Did I just use the phrase “predetermined temporal sequencing”? Fuck yeah, I did.”

 

“The most popular time to sext is Tuesday between 10:00 A.M. and noon. Yes, we looked this up twice. Strange!”

 

“Sheena Iyengar, a Columbia University professor who specializes in research on choice, put it to me another way: “People are not products,” she said bluntly. “But, essentially, when you say, ‘I want a guy that’s six foot tall and has blah, blah, blah characteristics,’ you’re treating a human being like one.”

 

“After the rings, the priest should just say, “Enjoy it, bing-bongs. Due to our brain’s tendency toward hedonic adaptation, you won’t feel quite this giddy in a few years. All right, where’s the pigs in a blanket? I’m outta here.”

 

“Want to know what’s filling up the phones of nearly every single woman? It’s this: “Hey,” “Hey!” Heyyy!!” “Hey what’s going?” “Wsup,” “Wsup!” “What’s going on?” “Whatcha up to?”

 

“True love? This guy has a job and a decent mustache. Lock it down, girl.”

 

“This change in communication may have some side effects, though. In her book Alone Together, MIT social psychologist Sherry Turkle convincingly makes the case that younger people are so used to text-based communications, where they have time to gather their thoughts and precisely plan what they are going to say, that they are losing their ability to have spontaneous conversation. She argues that the muscles in our brain that help us with spontaneous conversation are getting less exercise in the text-filled world, so our skills are declining. When we did the large focus group where we split the room by generation—kids on the left, parents on the right—a strange thing happened. Before the show started, we noticed that the parents’ side of the room was full of chatter. People were talking to one another and asking how they had ended up at the event and getting to know people. On the kids’ side, everyone was buried in their phones and not talking to anyone around them. It made me wonder whether our ability and desire to interact with strangers is another muscle that risks atrophy in the smartphone world.”

 

My Take

As an avid viewer of Parks and Rec and Master of None, I have enjoyed Aziz Ansari’s humor for many years and was curious about this book. As an older Gen X-er who met my husband in Law School and has been happily married since 1994, I have never engaged in the world described in Modern Romance and am very grateful to avoid it.  As described by Ansari, on-line dating, communicating with potential romantic interests by texting, and all of the dating and hook up apps that singles use today seem overwhelming and a huge time suck.  After reading this informative and often funny book, it is impressive that any young people actually meet a significant other and make the commitment to marriage.

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81. As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales from the Making of The Princess Bride

Rating:  ☆☆☆☆

Recommended by:  

Author:   Cary Elwes

Genre:  Non-Fiction, Memoir, Humor

259 pages, published October 14, 2014

Reading Format:  Audio Book

 

Summary

As You Wish is the story of the making of the classic film “The Princess Bride” as told by actor Cary Elwes who played the iconic role of Westley.  Elwes takes you behind-the-scenes with delightful stories and interviews with costars Robin Wright, Wallace Shawn, Billy Crystal, Christopher Guest, and Mandy Patinkin, as well as author and screenwriter William Goldman, producer Norman Lear, and director Rob Reiner.  The Princess Bride, a family favorite for 30 years has been designated by the American Film Institute as one of the top 100 Greatest Love Stories and by the Writers Guild of America as one of the top 100 screenplays of all time.   

 

Quotes

“Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Poison. True love. Hate. Revenge. Giants. Hunters. Bad men. Good men. Beautiful ladies. Snakes. Spiders. Pain. Death. Brave men. Cowardly men. Strongest men. Chases. Escapes. Lies. Truths. Passion. Miracles.”

 

“Is it fair to call The Princess Bride a classic? The storybook story about pirates and princesses, giants and wizards, Cliffs of Insanity and Rodents of Unusual Size? It’s certainly one of the most often quoted films in cinema history, with lines like:

“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

“Inconceivable?”

“Anybody want a peanut?”

“Have fun storming the castle.”

“Never get involved in a land war in Asia.”

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

“Rest well, and dream of large women.”

“I hate for people to die embarrassed.”

“Please consider me as an alternative to suicide.”

“This is true love. You think this happens every day?”

“Get used to disappointment.”

“I’m not a witch. I’m your wife.”

“Mawidege. That bwessed awangement.”

“You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.”… You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.”

“Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.”

“Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!”

“There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.”

And of course…

“As you wish.”

 

“Mandy swears that barely a day goes by that he isn’t asked by someone, somewhere, to recite Inigo Montoya’s most famous words, in which he vows vengeance on behalf of his father. “And I never let them down,” he says.”

 

“We got to the moment when I wake up from being “mostly dead” and say: “I’ll beat you both apart! I’ll take you both together!”, Fezzik cups my mouth with his hand, and answers his own question to Inigo as to how long it might be before Miracle Max’s pill begins to take effect by stating: “I guess not very long.” As soon as he delivered that line, there issued forth from Andre’ one of the most monumental farts any of us had ever heard. Now I suppose you wouldn’t expect a man of Andre’s proportions to pass gas quietly or unobtrusively, but this particular one was truly epic, a veritable symphony of gastric distress that roared for more than several seconds and shook the very foundations of the wood and plaster set were now grabbing on to out of sheer fear. It was long enough and loud enough that every member of the crew had time to stop what they were doing and take notice. All I can say is that it was a wind that could have held up in comparison to the one Slim Pickens emitted int eh campfire scene in Mel Brooks’s Blazing Saddles, widely acknowledged as the champion of all cinematic farts.

Except of course, this one wasn’t in the script.”

 

Vizzini:  HE DIDN’T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE.

Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

My Take

If you like The Princess Bride (I love it), then you will really enjoy As You Wish which brings back wonderful memories from the classic film and includes great stories from its making.  Not only was Cary Elwes dashing as the perfect Westley, but he is also a talented writer who knows how to spin an engrossing tale.  After listening to this book (which was wonderfully narrated by Elwes along with others involved in making The Princess Bride), I recommend a re-watching of The Princess Bride.  With the added insight provided by As You Wish, you should enjoy the movie even more.

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79. Wildflower

Rating:  ☆☆☆

Recommended by:  

Author:   Drew Barrymore

Genre:  Non-Fiction, Memoir

288 pages, published October 27, 2015

Reading Format:  Audio Book

 

Summary

In Wildflower, Drew Barrymore examines her life through a series of vignettes which begin with her early years as a child actor through the birth of her two daughters.  It soon becomes apparent that Drew marches to the beat of her own drummer which is especially evident during her wild period that led to her stripping on The David Letterman Show.  It is interesting is to see how a rebellious non-conformist changed her ways and embraced a more grounded, chaste lifestyle once she had children.

 

Quotes

“I love my life and it takes every step to get to where you are, and if you are happy, then God bless the hard times it took you to get there. No life is without them, so what are yours, and what did you do with the lessons? That is the only way to live.”

 

“It’s ironic that we rush through being “single” as if it’s some disease or malady to get rid of or overcome. The truth is, most likely, one day you will meet someone and it will be gone. And once it’s gone, it’s really gone! Why does no one tell us how important it is to enjoy being single and being by yourself? That time is defining and amazing and nothing to “sure”. It is being alone that will actually set you up the best for being with someone else.”

 

“A stable, loving family is something that should absolutely, fundamentally never be taken for granted! I am lucky that I got dealt some cards that showed me what it’s like to not have family, and I am much luckier to now have the chance to create my own deck!”

 

“I was in a very free state in my life. This is something I struggle with as a mom because now that I have grown up, I couldn’t feel more passionate about being appropriate. Everything in my world is about being “appropriate.” People ask me, what are you going to tell your daughters about some parts of your life? I don’t want to have to lie, but I am much more invested in telling them how I found my values.”

My Take

If you like Drew Barrymore and her movies, and I generally do, then you will probably like Wildflower.  While Barrymore sometimes takes herself too seriously, she has led an interesting life and after many years of trying to find herself she has arrived in a place of stability, creativity, love and family.  Not the best memoir I’ve read, but still a light, enjoyable read.

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77. Sister Mother Husband Dog

Rating:  ☆☆☆

Recommended by:

Author:   Delia Ephron

Genre:  Non Fiction, Memoir, Humor

240 pages, published September 17, 2013

Reading Format:  Audio Book

 

Summary

Sister Mother Husband Dog is a series of autobiographical essays about life, love, sisterhood, movies, and family written by Delia Ephron, best-selling author and writer of movies You’ve Got Mail, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Hanging Up, and Michael.  Ephron deftly captures the rivalry, mutual respect, and intimacy that made up her relationship with her older sister and frequent writing companion.

 

Quotes

“Wanting to be liked can get in the way of truth.”

 

“Being in your twenties has changed a lot since I was in my twenties, but it is still a time everything awful that happens is awful in a romantic way, even if you don’t admit it (and you can’t admit it because then you would be less important in the tragedy you’re starring in, your own life)…because in your twenties you know, even if you don’t admit this either, even if this is buried deep in your subconscious, that you can waste an entire decade and still have a life.”

 

“Irony, according to the dictionary, is the use of comedy to distance oneself from emotion. I developed it as a child lickety-split. Irony was armor, a way to stick it to Mom. You think you can get me? Come on, shoot me, aim that arrow straight at my heart. It can’t make a dent because I’m wearing irony.”

 

“To the night version of her (mother) I owe free-floating anxiety. I am no longer a child in an unsafe home, but anxiety became habit. My brain is conditioned. I worry. I recheck everything obsessively. Is the seat belt fastened, are the reservations correct, is my passport in my purse? Have I done something wrong? Have I said something wrong? I’m sorry – whatever happened must be my fault. Is everyone all right, and if they aren’t, how can I step in? That brilliant serenity prayer: God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. To all the children of alcoholics I want to say, Good luck with that. If I don’t do it myself, it won’t get done (this belief is often rewarded in this increasingly incompetent world). Also, I panic easily. I am not the person you want sitting in the exit row of an airplane.

 

“I was always decoding. I was hyperalert.  Being hyperalert is a lasting thing. Being a watcher. Noticing emotional shirts, infinitesimally small tremors that flit over another person’s face, the jab in a seemingly innocuous word, the quickening in a walk, an abrupt gesture – the way, say, a jacket is tossed over a chair.”

 

My Take

All in all, I enjoyed listening to Sister Mother Husband Dog, Delia Ephron’s autobiographical series of essays.  Meg Ryan read the audiobook version and her voice captures perfectly the essence of Ephron who is often insightful and humorous in a wry way.  While Ephron is a talented writer who has had an interesting life, this book does not rise to the level of a must-read or even come to mind when a friend asks for a book recommendation.  Hence, the award of three stars.

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